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NEWS: Testament Issues Statement: No New Album Until We Decide What Trend to Follow Next.

 
Testament has posted the following declaration on their Facebook page due to the current speculation about why there is now new album since 2012.
 
 
Dear Testament Fans,
 

Recently we have received many letters asking us about a new album because fans are concerned that we are taking too long to record some new music. We would like to put your mind at easy and let you know that we are definitely planning on new music.

The main reason there is no new music yet is because we have not figured out which trend to follow. We have always been a great band and a successful band and it's because we like to wait around and see what you, the metal fans, are into at any particular moment and we like to give you what you want, especially the American metal fans, who are always quick to jump ship and find a new fashion to follow.

As you know from our history, in the early days we always wanted to be like Metallica, as did so many other Bay Area metal bands. Whatever Metallica did, we were right there to follow and try to make some cash from it.

We always have a plan.

First, when thrash was on the rise, we were there to ride the wave. Our debut came out in 1987, which was very late, but 1987 looks pretty legit now, doesn’t it? Then, in 1988 we covered an Aerosmith song in order to get on the radio. But we still had our street cred. Things were looking good and we wanted mo money, mo money and given that we saw that ballads were working out for Metallica, then we wrote a ballad and because we are really creative we just called it “The Ballad.” That way, tv and radio would know that we were ready to play the game.

Not only that, our 1989 album “Practice What You Preach” was very commercial because we smelled the success and the big cash and we wanted in.

Hey, we’ll do covers, ballads and soften our music, whatever it takes, baby, whatever it takes. We even did a video for “The Ballad” and our fatboy Chucky looked pretty handsome and deep. You know, like he has thoughts and stuff, man.

You gotta strike while the iron is hot and in 1990 we did: “Souls of Black.” It was a meh album, but it was a good reason to tour and go make the money. Can you blame us?

Thrash was big and we took a look around and we knew we had to get in on the action. Then, Metallica released the black album in 1991 and they had gone soft, simple and commercial, love songs and all. Thus, in 1992, we made the most commercial album that we could because that was the trend and we were just doing our job. Can you blame us, homey?

 
Unfortunately for us, that trend passed and we were once again looking like fools. Ah, but don’t count us out! We saw that Pantera, Sepultura and Machine Head were doing the simple, toughguy groove metal thing and we got on that boat quickly! Thus, we had 1994’s “Low.” Do you think we did a good job of sounding modern and groovy? Hell yeah, boyeee! We Testament, we know how to imitate and follow.
 

Then we noticed that death metal was popular. For some reason, the kids were digging it and we decided to get some of that piece of the action. Can you say, 1997’s “Demonic”?! Ah, yeah, that’s how we do it, mayne! We hoped that people would forget how fickle-minded we are. But, hey, no biggie, our fans are, too. All is forgiven. No more ballads for us. Just death metal, baby. Well, unless the radio wanted ballads from us, then we would totally do it again.

Say, do you want us to do ballads again? Cuz we can, you know! Anywho, then we made “The Gathering” and we continued on the faux death metal path and people dug it. We were pimping it.

But then, ah snap, thrash was popular again and we had this little problem that we were a faux death metal band.

Yeah, no problem. We switched back to thrash. We didn’t have new songs or anything, so we just recorded old songs again and called it “First Strike Still Deadly” in 2001.

This way, we reminded everyone that we were a thrash band and we had the evidence to show for it. We looked pretty legit again. Ever since then, we have been milking the thrash thing and we even used the word “thrash” on the live album “The Dark Roots of Thrash.”

But we haven’t had a new studio album since 2012 because we can’t make up our minds about the current trends and which one to follow.

 

We are not sure where to go. Alex wants jazz, more jazz and we don’t think that makes money sense.

Eric wants black metal again. We don’t know what’s wrong with him.

Chuck wants pizza, fried chicken and grape soda. He claims he wants to lose weight, but how the heck is that supposed to happen eating that food? We also have Gene and Steve on board, but they are just hired guns and we don’t care what they think. Plus, Gene is not so fat anymore, so Chuck doesn’t like him as much because Chuck is the fatty now. And Steve?

Well, he’s a great bass player, but he’s in, like, 27 bands, so we don’t see him much.

 

 

 

 

 

In conclusion, we need help in deciding where to go next. We notice that Slipknot is popular.

Maybe we should do that. Baby Metal is popular and we could also do that. Or maybe we should just call Machine Head and ask them for advice. They are really great about keeping up with the fashions and trends. Remember when they used to dress up like a hip hop band? Man, that was good! So much money back then! Good times.

 
If you have ideas about what trend we should follow, please let us know. Thank you, Testament thrash ballad commercial metal groove metal faux death metal new thrash fans!!
 
Yours truly,
Testament