Satire stories about an artist or bands. Just plain fugly stories!





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Jeff Hanneman: "I Wish Someone Had Told Me Hell Is Real!"


Image result for jeff hannemanWhen I was alive in that hairy, bloated human body many people had told me about hell and I did not listen. I did not want to listen.

Boy, was I wrong! These flames are really torching my skin and the sulfur is an intense feeling, I tell ya. For those that refuse to believe, let me tell you about my situation and let's see if you want to join me here. I Image result for lake of fiream trapped in a gigantic lake of fire, with flames that reach infinitely high and the fires scale the walls that surround the lake, which is more like an ocean.

The people around me are screaming in pain, the same as I am, as their hair and their faces catch on fire. I recognize many musicians here, especially heavy metal musicians. My fat bastard friend Paul Baloff is looking real bad because Satan likes to set Paul's face on fire repeatedly.

Image result for Paul Baloff in hellSatan loves to bully and to impale poor Paul. As for me, Satan likes to taunt me with the phrase "Hell awaits no more!" and he shouts it to my face and then laughs hysterically.

Man, I really wish that I had known that hell is real. I would change my life and I wouldn't have been such a jerk to those telling me the truth. If I had listened, right now I would be in sweet, sweet heaven hanging out with the king of kings, maybe doing some rad guitar solos for the master of the universe. 


Image result for jeff hanneman drunkAnyone that knew me knows that I was not a nice person. I was an alcoholic and a mean, mean drunk. What a jerk I was! I hated doing interviews and talking to people who were interested in my music and I acted like I was doing them a favor, as if they owed me something when in reality I barely knew to read and I had no work skills and no social skills and I was a cocaine addict.

Image result for jeff hanneman drunkOn top of that, I was attracted to Nazism and their power, and I wrote songs putting myself in the position of a powerful Nazi. "It's art!," I would say and people would actually believe me. I should have been more grateful to anyone who ever spent a dime on my music. Now I have the rest of eternity in south of heaven to reconsider what a creep I was.

Image result for jeff hanneman a nazi ? [Only 48 made before the company shut down production due to protests over the inlays.Jeff Hanneman LTD Signature guitar.]

Listen to me, people. You don't want to be here. It's true that all your friends are here, but it's not like you will be talking and hanging out with them, like some sort of Christmas party with snacks and fruit juice.

Your friends are most definitely here and you will see them, but you will see them catch on fire and tortured by Satan's legions of demons.

Bon Scott is here, but he has found out that hell is, in fact, a bad place to be. You don't want to get on this Image result for bon scott in hell?highway to hell, people. Bon Scott is not a problem child for Satan because Satan knows exactly how to subjugate unruly human souls who dare even eyeball him.

Image result for Jimi hendrix in hell?Jimi Hendrix is not kissing the sky, he's kissing the flames of hell for all time. He's in a haze, alright, a hellish damnation haze. 


I understand why I am in hell. I made some terrible music in life.

Albums like God Hates Us All and Christ Illusion were not very good and I knew it, but I kept up the charade. I had run out of great ideas many, many years before those albums. 

What can I say, it’s hard to quit drinking and it’s hard to fame.  The main reason I am in hell, Satan explained to me, was that awful album Diabolus in Musica. I certainly deserve my fate. That album is garbage. I should not have been so repentless about it.

 Image result for hell
See you in hell, my friends, see you in pain, my friends.